Recall!!

 

Disclaimer

Before anyone rushes to call this “bad timing” or accuse me of making fun of tragedy—let me stop you. You’re right: this is a tragedy. Children have died. And it’s more serious than anything I’ve ever preached or written about.

But here’s the point: if the so-called divine plan allows children to be slaughtered in churches, then maybe the plan is broken. Maybe the product is defective. We’ve been burying people all over the world for thousands of years in the name of faith, freedom, and God-given rights—and guess what? The scriptures never once mention the United States of America’s “God-given right” to guns. Politicians just invented that part.

We’ve got leaders preaching God’s perfection while worshiping violence, and worshipers praising a creator whose image looks more and more like mass murder. And every time it happens, the same chorus comes out: “We’re praying for the families.”

Praying? To who? To the same God whose “plan” just allowed kids to die in a pew? Think about that.

So no—I’m not mocking the victims. I’m mocking the sanctimonious system that shrugs at their blood while pretending it’s all part of the plan. I’m mocking the hypocrisy of government leaders hiding behind scripture they don’t even follow. And if that offends you, maybe it should.

Recall of Human Models – Defective Violence Mechanism

Summary:

Heavenly Manufacturing has determined that all current Human Model Units (serial numbers: All of Them) contain a critical defect in the violence control system, resulting in excessive misuse of weapons. This defect has been observed for approximately 1900 years but was only recently acknowledged due to administrative delay. (Recall notice was previously misplaced between a couch and a loveseat. Our apologies.)

Affected Population:

 • Approximately 8 million units annually (billions total to date).

 • All makes, models, and regions of humanity are impacted.

 • Note: No exemption for “good behavior” models.

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Defect Details:

 • Cause: Unregulated aggression firmware, not patched since initial release.

 • Result: Persistent malfunctions, including war, murder, genocide, and recreational cruelty.

 • Risk to Users: Severe. In many cases, fatal.

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Warranty Advisory:

The “Prayer Option”, marketed as an extended warranty feature, has been found to be non-functional since launch. Customer reliance on this option has provided zero measurable results. We regret not disclosing this defect earlier. Refunds are not available.

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Corrective Action:

 1. Immediate Recall: All defective humans are subject to recall effective immediately.

 2. Repair Options: None at this time. Research into “empathy upgrades” remains stalled.

 3. Replacement Options: Pending. Reincarnation department is currently backlogged.

 4. Consumer Responsibility: Report defective units to the nearest altar. Do not attempt at-home exorcisms—these are not authorized fixes.

Manufacturer Statement:

“As spokesperson for this recall, I take full responsibility, and I can assure you—I nearly lost my head over this. Oh wait, I did. Again, apologies.”

– John the Baptist, Customer Relations, Heaven Inc.

Contact Information:

Heavenly Manufacturing Recall Hotline: 1-800-REPENT-NOW (please allow infinite hold time).

Mailing Address: Celestial Bureaucracy, PO Box 000, Cloud Level 7.